Adults
Here is an account from an eleven-year-old’s life, shared with permission.
“I was an easy target, with my glasses that were too big for my face, my curly hair that no one had yet told me you are not supposed to brush, and legs so skinny that I looked like I was about to fall over. Gym class was worse because when you add my lack of coordination to that mix, it was a recipe for disaster. After following yet another humiliating gym class, I went in the locker room and stepped over to the sink. I heard the voice of one of my tormentors behind me, mocking my chicken legs and everything else about me that I was already self-conscious about. I didn’t turn, hoping that if I didn’t turn around that she would stop or at the very least I would get swallowed up by the floor. My lack of response only seemed to fuel her fire. With one shove, she had pushed me into the oversized trash can that was beside the sink, telling me that was where I belonged. I couldn’t tell you if anyone laughed or not; I only remember there being eerie silence. For a long time I believed her, that was where I belonged.”
That is an account from my own life, and that incident happened over three decades ago. As I am writing this, my heart is breaking for my eleven-year-old self. Not just for my younger self, but for all the years I kept that message close to my heart. Sadly, I have heard some version of this story countless times in my office. When I first started working as a therapist, I assumed I was one of the few people that were still carrying wounds from their early years. I was sure other people had gotten over it or were more mature than me and could let things go. Now I have heard hundreds of stories throughout the years. People have trusted me and talked with me about that nagging inner voice they continue to hear, the negative beliefs about themselves that they continue to fight.
The problem is that it’s not just that initial wound that hurts us. If it were only that, we would all probably be able to chalk it up to childish behaviors and look at it as a distant memory. The problem is that is where the idea first plants. Our psyche then holds that belief to be true and often spends years collecting “evidence” to support that initial belief. Because we are human, because we make countless mistakes or people let us down, we sadly can always find evidence to support that initial seed that was planted. Instead of looking at consequent interactions as part of the growing up process, of part of the nature of life and relationships, that nagging inner voice screams at us, “See, she/he/they were right.” And therein lies the real damage. In most cases, other people do not have nearly the capacity to hurt us that we have to hurt ourselves.
How do we heal those wounds? I had to swim through the muck; that certainly was not easy. I had to sit with my feelings of inadequacy and isolation. I had to acknowledge how much I hurt back then and how much I can still hurt today. You CANNOT heal from anything you have not yet admitted to. Our brains have been doing something a certain way, or not doing something, for decades, so it is much harder to train it. But train it we must. We will first talk about coping skills and changes you can make to get some immediate relief. We can later explore deeper issues as you feel ready.